Back-end – what we sit on
Where we hide all the gubbins that make things work, like a database controlling a web site. Far better to look at the front end. It’s much prettier. Sometimes we refer to it as the Back Office, depending upon our mood. Does sound distinctly shady though to me, the latter.

Bangtail envelope – not before the watershed
A direct marketing term for an envelope included in a mailing which incorporates an extra flap to allow the recipient to tear off and use as the response device.

Bar code - never spill the drink of someone bigger than yourself
The EAN (European Article Number) codes spoil the look of that wonderful design that was months in the conceiving, but retailers’ computers wouldn’t be able to follow consumer product likes and dislikes and bombard them with mail shots for ever and a day without them. Although patented in 1952 the system didn’t see commercial use for another fourteen years. They started as bullseyes of concentric circles, but evolved to the lines of varying thicknesses that make our checkouts bleep happily all day long. The European one has 13 digits with 1-2 identifying the country; 3-7 the manufacturer; 8-12 the product; and the last a check using a mathematical calculation to guard against misreading. Quite sad really, but the first product ever purchased after being scanned is on display at the Smithsonian Museum of American History. And the product? A pack of Wrigley’s chewing gum. That says it all, really.

BASIC – portaloos, cold showers, no bar
A computer programming language acronym which actually stands for Beginners’ All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code. But far more interesting is the fact that in 1929 two academics devised a global language with a vocabulary of just 850 words. It predated the IT acronym and stood for British American Scientific International Commercial language. No prizes for guessing why it never caught on.

Below-the-line – for successful limbo dancers
The money you’re spending on marketing through activities like sales promotion and direct marketing. There’s much talk of crossing the line when you’re linking the bellows with the aboves, if you see what I mean.

Berne Convention - pyromaniacs gathering
The international agreement made in 1886 for the respect of copyright between participating nations. Has been the blueprint for subsequent law makers.

Beta site – an egg, a bowl, a whisk
Better to try it out before letting your punters loose on it. A newly created web site at bug testing stage. Quite how you test a bug I don’t know. Answers on an ecard to . . . .

Bill Posters – unfairly hounded
I only dwell on this because I love the wag who many years ago started a national craze by scrawling over the warning signs ‘Bill Posters Will be Prosecuted’ his counter graffiti: “Bill Posters is Innocent!” Latterly became known as fly posters, with the fly short for ‘flyer’.

Bitmaps – not much use to orienteerers
An image or font that is made up of individual bits that each correspond to a colour. Get hungry and gather a few together for a byte. BMP as a file extension says that it’s storing bitmap data.

Blad – Dered's drinking buddy
A term used in publishing for a dummied book consisting of the cover and usually three to eight sample pages. Used for publishers to pre-sell a conceptual book to assess the likely demand before printing.

Blogging – a lot less strenuous than jogging
The act of maintaining a personal diary on the Internet that allows all and sundry to read about your intimate secrets. Given the content of a good many of these I'm amazed that suicide statistics aren't a lot higher - and that's just for those reading them.

Blister pack – yompers' delight
A bubble of clear plastic laminated to a backing board to enclose small goods for retail.

Blurb – The great Miss Belinda
Term for promotional copy on the flap or back cover of a book, and that has in recent times been hijacked to cover any short bit of copy. Originally coined by American humourist Gelett Burgess back in 1907 when one of his books had a pulchritudinous (you’ll just have to look that one up) woman on the jacket who he facetiously dubbed Miss Belinda Blurb. The extent of heavily exaggerated blurbs has stimulated some parodies: “Makes Ben Hur look like an Epic” (Monty Python & The Holy Grail); “We look forward keenly to the appearance of their last work” (1066 and All That)

Body copy – chalk marks around a murder victim
Your main text as opposed to display matter, captions, headers and the like. The term copy came from the days of hot metal presses when the typesetter used to have to ‘copy’ the copy in laying out the pages.

Bounce back – an Archer or a Mandy
Further promotional offers enclosed with a fulfilled order sent to a customer.

Brand – ouster of men's foibles
The interesting bit is that the term ‘brand’ is derived from an ancient Norse word brandr which means to burn, and used in the context of the branding of livestock gives it a clear meaning. The bit you knew anyway is the definition of a brand: "a name, term, symbol or design (or a combination of them) which is intended to signify the goods or services of one seller or group of sellers and to differentiate them from those of competitors" (Philip Kotler; Marketing Management). UK companies spend billions on brand development, and lawyers earn even more protecting them. The strength of a brand is paramount in retaining market share. How frustrating it must be then for Dyson that everyone still goes around saying they’ve got to do the ‘hoovering’. Or for Pepsi when the generic name for their product is ‘coke’.

Browser – a cow
In the old days you could only do this in bookshops and newsagents. Now you don’t even need to put your mac on and go outside. A software program that allows you to navigate through pages on the Internet. Jolly useful.

Bromide – no need to lock your daughters away
In days of yore a dose of potassium bromide was prescribed as a sedative, but bromide was also reportedly added to the drinking water of sailors to dilute all that testosterone. In marketing circles it refers to a printer's term for a photographic print of artwork as part of the plate-making process.

Bulking dummy – in outsize tailor’s window
An unprinted sample, often hand-made, of a printing job using the actual materials and to size to show the bulk and style of binding.

Bus – come in threes
A communication link made up of a set of wires which connect different parts of a computer hardware system. Let’s hope they're more efficient than the ones that are meant to trundle past my house everyday.